For Muha...My Brother

I am at 2 minds in writing this. But my 'lift' brother (adik angkat - though we have never met; boleh ye Muha), have requested I do this tag. The soft spot in me made me accept though it would mean revealing a past which I would rather not dwell. Still, to write or do the tag, I feel I must be honest, even if it means being ridiculed at. We each have our bad dreams come true, and I am no exception.

The tag's theme is "Age I wish To Go Back To".

Before I begin, I do have to excuse myself for not showing any photographs. Its not that I do not want to, but due to circumstances, its either I don't have any (for this tag purposes), or they are somewhere in this house, hidden under a pile of boxes which has not been opened for ages.

And so we begin...

Age I wish To Go Back To.
There are times in our life when we come to a major crossroad. For many of us, the choice between the 2 roads ahead were made knowing that such choice would reflect in our future, but never fully realising the consequence of such a choice until it reveals itself at a certain future point. For those blessed with religious guidance, the choice made seem to be crystal clear already. But for those who are not so lucky, the battle cry was 'que sera sera'.

Some many years back, I was asked to submit an application for a post in a small organisation. Since my small own small business was not exactly shining, I decided to give it a try. The job description did not seem too difficult to handle, and I have always wondered about working in such an environment.

There were only 2 candidates that came for the interview - a highly qualified and experienced man who brought a pile of papers as his testimony, and I, who had only a piece of paper outlining my qualifications and work experience.

As the man was interviewed in a cubicle with walls half made by glass panels, I sat outside watching but not thinking of anything. Though no words could be heard, I could see the man showing his papers as proof of his capability. I, by then, had given up any thoughts of being employed there as I could see the man was indeed a better choice. Soon after the man walked out of the room and I was called in.

I begged excuse for my single resume paper, and then began replying to the questions put forward. Another office bearer walked in and began barraging me with some questions which I was not prepared for. At the end of the interview, we shook hands and were told to wait at the lobby of the building.

It took the office bearer several hours to deliberate and when the news came, I was made totally speechless. Somehow, the office bearers chose me over the other guy. It was a decision I should have felt happy about, but I was not. Even then, I felt something was not quite right, but most of all, I felt a deep pain for the other guy as he was desperate for the job.

I will not touch on the office affair, but a year later I submitted a resignation letter which was turned down. By then, I knew my gut feelings after the interview had begun to manifest in some shady things which I was powerless to act. Still, I continued on for another year and then again resubmitted my resignation. This time I was adamant; though I have come to love the office for its possible contribution to the society, I had to leave. To stay on, would mean I have a vested interest in several irregular matters.

I cannot say I left with pride intact, but I can say my conscience is clear and that under circumstances then, I have tried my best.

Today, mainly because of some bureaucratic nonsense of a government body which the organisation is beholden to, the office is almost non-existent.

Now, looking back, if there is an age that I could go back to, then it would be the age when I accepted the job offer. For knowing now what I did not then, I would not have accepted it in the first place.

Muha, I hope this entry would suffice. My apologies if its not what you had hoped for. But I do have to thank you. Strangely in writing this, it helps to chase one skeleton out of the cupboard. Now....for the remaining 99. Oops! :)


ps. I will not tag anyone out of respects for any skeletons that may be hiding. But, do feel free to do it if one do so wish. Just kindly inform me so that I too can read it. Thanks :)